If you read my 2nd last question, you would have noticed that I made a few changes to my statement over here. As much as you comment, please RATE my P.S from 1 to 10
"Science is a subject that I have always been fascinated about, I would like to apply for the Electrical and Electronic Engineering course. Physics and Mathematics are my best subjects; they both play a big role in the course and would be useful to me, as I am able to solve mathematics equations. Also the idea of creating electronic objects like robots, video-game consoles and accessories, large machines and phones really appeals me. Science related studies have been around my family for ages-my father and some of my uncles studied engineering, my maternal grand father studied architecture and my mother has a PhD in medical Science.
Currently, I am attending Barnet College and I am studying BTEC National in Applied Science (I really enjoy the practical side of the course) and GCSE English (retake) with the aim of getting at least an MM Grade (160 UCAS Tariff Points) in the BTEC and a C Grade in the GCSE, respectively. I decided to do both courses because of the inspiration of my recent GCSE achievements; also I knew that participating in the course would make me successful in any science course, like electronics or electrical engineering.
I have some work experience; for example I worked outside the country, in a cybercafe for a month. As a Ticket Clerk, I was responsible for selling out tickets for time limits at which costumers could use the computers as well as helping them out in using the computers, for instance I assisted an elderly man in using his e-mail account. and that lead me to having skills useful to me in the course. I have some computer skills which include knowledge on how to use the Microsoft Office and the internet therefore giving me the ability to do course work with a computer. With other skills like being able to manage my time, I can ensure that I will always be punctual during learning hours, plus my literacy and communication skills can help me in confidently working alongside with lecturers and other students to make better achievements. As well as communication skills, team work is also important when working with fellow students; I am a good team player therefore, that is not a problem for me.
In terms of leisure, I enjoy playing video-games, especially console games- my best genres are football, racing, fighting & adventure, sometimes I have daydreams of making my own video game which brings me back to the reason why I was destined for this course. My best movie genres are action, sci-fi, comedy and at times horror; comic book hero movies like Iron man amaze me. I liked the main character of the movie; Tony Stark, he’s the one I almost wanted to be like- wealthy, confident and he was also into Electronic Engineering, which is why he was able to make his Iron man suit and become a hero.
I enjoy watching football-my favourite club is Arsenal and my favourite national team is Nigeria. My most memorable Arsenal player is Thierry Henry; he earned a record as the highest goal scorer in Arsenal through out the team history, second to Ian Wright and he was one of the players that helped Arsenal to qualify for a UEFA champions’ league Final. I enjoy listening to music; almost any kind of music grabs my attention, even soundtracks from movies and video games, but my best music genre is Rhythm and Bass.
Furthermore, I look forward to the experience, challenges and achievements of higher education. As I have explained, I consider that I have the necessary interest skills and motivation to apply for electronic and electrical engineering. After the degrees, I would like to work in an engineering industry, build machinery for the government or participate in research for new devices. By taking part in this course, I would be fulfilling my career path."
As a very critical University student I have to give this a 2.
I don’t know what University’s your applying for and I won’t write your ps out again (as It already been done) but I will give you comments.
Firstly don’t have words such as "some" in I have ’some’ work experience. Don’t use words that show a lack of what you have. Just say I have work experience and let them be the judge of how much there is.
You also have a grammar mistakes. Phones really appeals TO me. There also a few other mistakes. Just get someone to look over it with it printed out so they can underline all the little mishaps! It’s not a problem. I had a few.. But it does not hurt to have it perfect!
You do not need to list how many UCAS points it is, you can if you think the University admissions teams are idiots, but they should know.
The paragraph on football is not useful to why you want to go to University. I mean If Thierry was applying then maybe, but no. Just say you enjoy football as a sport, watching and playing and say how you will get involved in the University this way.
Your paragraph on leisure is limited. This is your weakest part of your personal statement. It hinders you rather than help. I would word it somewhat like this.
Within my spare time, I enjoy interactive games, specialising in console formats. My favoured genera’s include sports, racing, fighting and adventure based. Moreover my passion for gaming is not limited to just consuming. My goal is to take part in the production of a title, which drives me to the pursuit of Electronic Eng.
I also have an interest in film industry, favouring such genera’s from action to comedy. My favourite however would have to be comic book based movies, such as Iron man.
Something like this. It’s not perfect but please if you do anything don’t say you want to be Iron man. It makes you sound that you are not mature for the course.
Also a question I would ask if I was in admissions is. Why this course? If you want to do computer games. Why not do computer sciences what is based more on software rather than eng. Which is more on the physical side.