Billing Statement

now, i have never ever done anything like this. I’m 16 and i’m trying to get into a better college than the one i’m at, so i joined some program thing where they’re gonna help me with it (financially too). I was told to write a personal statement and the prompt given to me is as follows:

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Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
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now, i was also given a certain amount of words i was allowed to use (roughly 500). So i’m done for this part. only, i don’t think i’ve done such a good job. Can someone read over this and tell me if it’s a good one or not? i don’t expect someone to lie and say "wow, this is certain to get you into any college," because that’s not all they’ll look at. but i need to know if this is good or not. so anyhow, here’s what i’ve written:

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Looking back on my life, I find that my most important quality has always been my determination. It has gotten me through a number of struggles at times where the situation seemed hopeless. The most recent example in my life was graduating high school at the early age of sixteen. I skipped first and third grade and that gave me a headstart in school. But in the middle two years of high school my grades began to suffer due to troubles at home and the fact that I just stopped caring.

Nothing in my life was going how I wanted it to go, and I felt to try was pointless. I didn’t know why but it didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried, things just wouldn’t work out for me. And so when I had homework I wouldn’t do it, or I’d procrastinate and end up getting poor grades because of it. I would do well on the tests, but without the homework, it didn’t help me get the grades I should have. My mother would try over and over to get me to do what I needed to so I could graduate on time. But it didn’t even matter to me, nothing did at the time.

Finally, at the end of junior year I decided that school was for me and that after having all the troubles and misery in my past I deserved happiness in my future. I signed up for summer school to make up for the classes I’d failed and decided to take extra classes senior year to meet all my graduation requirements. I still felt as if everything was somehow a scheme to keep me down, as if no one wanted me to succeed, but even so, I’d already made up my mind that if I wanted success I would have to take it from whoever tried to keep me from it.

I did everything I could to keep my grades up and clean up the mess I’d made in the previous two years. When things got hard and I felt like quiting again, I had to remember that I was doing it all for me. I kept telling myself that the greater the struggle, the greater the reward for it. And I was rewarded for my determination in the end; May 19th 2009 I became the youngest person in my family to graduate.

But high school was certainly not the end of my journey. At my graduation party, a great friend of mine told me “chase your dreams, live your life, and be happy, no matter what obstacles stand in your way.” Those words have stuck in my head ever since, and I will follow them until the day I die. I have many dreams to chase and my determination will be the fuel for the fire I need to burn a path to my dreams. With hope and determination I can put my other abilities to good use. Because it doesn’t matter how smart you are, how quickly you can learn, or how much work you can do unless you have the determination to make use of those abilities. I’m making an effort to succeed and I won’t rest until I do.
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Am, people like you and MThompson(another answerer on my other question like this) are very helpful. idk why you guys assumed i’d take offense to your answers, i asked for help, not for someone to tell me this is the best thing ever when it wasn’t. if you two hadn’t came to help and telll me what should be fixed and how to do it, i’d have thought this was good even though it wasn’t. i see the errors you guys pointed out and you’re both right. I’m glad you guys were able to help me instead of lying to me. As for some other answerers (on the other question) they didn’t help.they either said it was good (which is a lie i see) or they just said it wasn’t good. but they didn’t tell me what was wrong with it. But you did and i am very grateful for that. i’m going to re do it and ask again, please be there to answer my question later. i’ll come back to this one to post the link to it after i ask it. Thank you in advance

Please do not think I am being mean here, I am trying to help you:

number of struggles at times where the situation seemed
Time is not a where, time is a when.. in which would be better

graduating high school at the early
graduating FROM high school

early age of sixteen
in college writing only numbers below nine are written out, unless they are the first word in a sentence. Use 16

that gave me a headstart in school
head start

and I felt to try was pointless
felt is considered a cliche’ term in college writing. try believe or think

things just wouldn’t work out for me.
college writing is about being clear and concise. Take out for me.

end up getting poor grades
"getting" is informal english. Try end up with poor grade, or something like that.

help me get the grades
avoid get or any form of it

try over and over to get me to
double wording is effective in speech giving, not in writing.

that after having all the troubles
"having" is a really vague term.

I still felt as if everything
again, take out felt

When things got hard
do not use got. Maybe, when things were difficult (better word then hard). comma after hard

graduation party, a great friend
"great" is very over used, vague, and subject to misinterpretation. For all I know, you mean a large friend of yours.

doesn’t matter how smart you are
are you writing about the person reading this, or about yourself? If you want to make this general, try …it doesn’t matter how smart one is, etc

I’m making an effort
never use contradictions in academic writing

Writing a clear and concise letter will help yours to stand out.

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